Here I am Again...

I am a very fortunate woman in many, many ways. I have a wonderful husband who loves me and supports me, 4 sons that couldn't be any greater than a mother would ever want, a new "first" grandchild on the way, parents that love me, siblings that care about me, a dog that is obedient and devoted. Heck! Even the 2 cats who live at my home are loveable. Speaking of homes, I live in a gorgeous dream house with walk-in closets and oversized rooms in a quiet and picturesque neighborhood. It sounds like the perfect life. But for some reason, I can never be happy. Yes, these things do, in the moment, please me outwardly. But inside of me there is a constant battle brewing. The battle is about the perceptions and expectations I have allowed to be placed upon me concerning my image. It doesn't seem very fair really. But, who would be to blame? Can that even be pinned down to one single event, or a series of events that have led me to the place that I am? I guess it doesn't matter at the moment how I got to this place, although I am sure I will go on and on about it during various posts in the future. For now though, the main thing is here I am and I intend to do something about this. I intend to peel through the layers and come up with a course of actions that will hopefully clean me from these feelings of discontent and sadness. And this blog will be a part of that process.


I believe the latest reality check came with the recent marriage of my 3rd son. Photos are an inevitable part of a wedding and being the mother of the groom I was required to be in many of the photographs taken at that occasion. I had to face the sad truth when I was given a copy of a picture cd and saw me standing there in my new dress that I spent too much money on that I didn't even look half as good as I thought I did. I looked uncomfortable and sausaged into my dress and had in a panic at the last minute covered it with a black jacket which, although lovely, did not suit the style of the dress at all. But I chickened out. I felt vulnerable and bulging and lacking all confidence so I threw that jacket on and hoped against hope it would mask the upper stomach bulge that my Spanx underpanties were only exaggerating by squeezing all my lower belly bulge up and over the top. Some might say I was spilling over with goodness...but I think that might only apply to an Otis Spudmeyer muffin top.

The truth of the matter is, while I hated seeing those pictures of myself (did I mention that I think my calves were about as big around as my husbands waist) the bigger issue hasn't been about what I look like. No, those days are gone when it was all about looking hot and sexy (or at least regular sized and normal). Now the issue weighing the heaviest on me is about my health. About a year and half ago I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. I also quickly after gained a problem with high blood pressure. I am taking oral medications at this point and want very badly to avoid insulin as long as I can. I would love to be able to forego the blood pressure medication and maybe, possibly....hopefully have a chance at managing my diabetes without medications but with proper diet and exercise. I don't know at this point if that is even a possibility, but I do know improved well-being, energy and the ability to manage my life would be a bonus.

So here I am.

When I finally made the courageous effort to step on the scale and see where "here I am" really was I knew it was time to figure out my issues and get this show on the road. It's going to be a long journey. I have 125 pounds to lose. That is a lot. Amazingly, it isn't the most I have ever had to lose, but it is close enough to be a bit daunting.

How am I going to accomplish this? Well, that remains to be seen. So far I putting my butt out there on the paths and roads of my neighborhood, with my trusty Austrailian Shephard, Lucky. I am trying to work up some endurance to get at least the 1st 50 pounds off. After that, I plan on mixing in some weights and more strenuous cardio at the neighborhood fitness center. At this point I am also trying to jump start the process with Nutrisystem foods. I am currently beginning my 3rd week today, and so far have lost 8.5 pounds.

That's the beginning...