Just Another Manic Monday

Another Monday weigh in done and I am feeling pretty good. I am now down to 229.5, which means I have now lost 45 pounds. My BMI has gone from 45.7 to 38.2 since I started this. I recently found an old weight chart I kept a few years back and was startled and amazed that I had an original all time high of 287. I had not realized I was ever that big and am quite ashamed by it. I look at the date on that chart though and have to consider the time frame, the stress I was under and the depression in my life. Not the best of times. But, here I am now. And I am very thankful to be here.
Trey is also doing great. He is now down 16 pounds as of this morning. I asked him where he thinks he would be if he hadn't started this venture a couple months ago and he sort of bugged his eyes out at me and admitted he was only headed "up" the scale. Over the weekend we went and bought him a new pair of jeans and discovered that he has gone from a 34" waist to a 32". I think he felt really proud about that. I am proud of him.

There is stress going on right now with the worries about my husbands job and my lack of employment. Money is a source of worry and I wish it could be resolved. I have managed in the past couple months to hide myself away in a bubble of safety that allowed me the time to lose some weight and take care of me...perhaps a little bit selfishly. Now I am again feeling the worries and stresses of life creep back in and remind me that I can't forever remain a lady of leisure here in my castle. I just love being home and though we have had somewhat of a struggle because of it, the agoraphobic side of me has relished the opportunity to be just that. *sigh

Exercise continues on, but I admit it isn't as easy for me to get out there and do that walk everyday. So far I have not failed to meet my weekly expectations, but the moans and groans are definately there anyway. As to eating healthy and taking care of the diet side of it all, that has been far easier for me to do. I know the exercise is important. Not only for my weight loss but my diabetes as well. I think part of the problem is that early on I set high goals...I met them, and now feel the pressure to set the bar even higher and don't really want to be this competitive with myself. I need to be able to say, "enough is enough". I am already walking upwards of 2 hours a day and to be honest it seems a bit silly when all that I have ever heard was 60 minutes was the max required for weight loss. Why do I always have the attitude that more is better, and then if I don't succeed at "more" everytime then I let feelings of failure set in. There is something about 8:30 AM coming along and I realize I need to allow a good 2 hours of exercise in now before I can even begin to officially start my day and take care of everyday life. I get burned out before it is even noon and it becomes difficult to focus on housework, my hobbies, my job hunting...all the things I know I need to do. It all sounds like excuses when I write it down, but there is some genuine worry and stress brewing inside of me about this. How do I stop from calling myself a failure if I bump the exercise back to an hour a day and leave it at that? How? I wish I knew...

All I do know for certain is that I do not want to stop...I want to hit my goal weight and I want to continue working on keeping it there.

I do need some things to look forward to. The holidays were great for that because I was working on projects, losing weight and it was a new feeling to be a success at something. Now, the year drags out in front of me. No vacations are planned, nor really can be planned because of lack of money and the unknown ahead as far as where will I get a job, am I moving to Portland in the summer, and what can be expected with Jim's job? I guess most things are rarely spelled out clearly. I do hope to continue on with the weight loss through it, but it would be terribly selfish of me to stay focused just there and not on all these other worries too.

I think I am just having one of those stress days. It must be Monday.